It’s OK Not To Be OK

March 14, 2016


I’ve decided to try something new lately. Honesty. Yes, I admit I’m guilty of lying. When you ask me how I am and I say “good”, I’m lying. I haven’t been good, but I lie. Because it’s easier. It’s not easy to admit you aren’t ok.

But it’s ok not to be ok.

The big things (an unwell parent, a traumatic emergency surgery and adding a second child into the mix) and the smaller things (a written off car and a nasty bout of mastitis which had me in the ER in the middle of the night) have thrown me into a downward spiral. It’s been hard. I’ve started admitting to those closest to me that I’ve had a really really rough time in the last few months. I don’t think I’ve ever really done that before. I’m guilty of pretending, of posting pretty little light filled squares of happiness to Instagram (see right) when there’s been a lot of sadness behind my camera. But I feel better now. Honesty works. When you don’t admit how you feel, you can’t receive the support of those who really love you. You’re not burdening them. The friends and family that I’ve confided in, have been amazing and have made all the difference in me feeling more like me again, and I’m so grateful for every single one of you that I’ve spoken to and those that have checked in. I admit I’ve started avoiding people that I haven’t felt I can be open with, because I couldn’t pretend anymore.

I’m lucky to have what I call my online mothers group. A bunch of women, most of whom I’ve never met, that all had babies in Sept/Oct/Nov like I did. Maybe because its online, its easier to admit to your struggles, but I love those ladies for their honestly. We say exactly how we feel. When we’re proud, when we’re happy, when we’re exhausted, when we’re sad and when we feel like we’re completely losing it. It’s the healthiest place. No judgement, just support. 100% support. I love every single one of them. The same goes for the ladies I see regularly that I confide in.

Now let me tell you about Easton. What a bundle of joy. I thought Jack was a happy, smiley baby but Easton, what a happy little soul. Honestly, its not hard to try to get him to smile, its hard to stop him! He has never had a grumpy day. Not one! It was really hard to try and catch an angry face for a photo to accompany this post. He is pure sunshine and I’m head over heels in love. Our bond is remarkable. I know Jack loved me when he was a young baby, and maybe I didn’t notice as much because I was a new mum, but the way Easton’s face lights up when he sees me is unlike anything I remember. It’s indescribable but the closest way to describe it is pure love.

However, Easton hates bedtime and it’s exhausting. He is on a fantastic feed/play/sleep routine. Has approx 1.45/2hr awake time, then I put him to bed once he gives me his tired signs and he’s out like a light! Self settles like the little legend that he is. Jack would only nap for 45 minutes but Easton is a much better napper… until bedtime. He will scream blue murder if left to self settle in bed and wants to feed to sleep. If I’m lucky I can get him down by 8.30 but sometimes it’s not until 10/11. It means I have little to no downtime and it’s been hard. It also means evening plans are (mostly) out. And even if I do go out, I find it hard to fully relax because I’m the one he needs to soothe him. Thankfully, once he’s down he’s down for most of the night.

Why did I tell you this? Because my internal struggle comes back to mother’s guilt. I’ve applied to attend sleep school with Easton to get some assistance with his evening routine. Yet it took me a long time, and a lot of consulting with friends, to take that step. Why? I feel so guilty. He’s MY baby. Our bond is SO strong, yet I cant figure out what’s going wrong at night. I hate that I have to go somewhere to teach my perfect little man how to get to sleep in the evening. It’s funny. I’ve never judged any one of my friends for attending sleep school. Yet I judge myself. Harshly.

I’ve leant lately that it’s ok. It’s ok to get help. It’s ok not to know how to solve every problem. It’s ok to want your evenings back to enjoy a date night, a bath or just some downtime. Every baby is different, and it’s ok that even though I’m not a new mum, that I don’t have the answers to every child.

So in two weeks I’m off to sleep school with E and I can’t wait.

And if you ask me how I’m doing? My honest answer is “I’ve had a rough time lately but I’m doing much better, thank you”.

Apologies if this post is really rambly (I just made that a word) and doesn’t make much sense but everything today is over edited, so in the essence of what I’m trying to get across, I’ll leave my ramble as it is.

I hope everyone is doing well, and if you’re not, it’s ok. But go to someone who loves you and talk about it xx

Belinda x

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